I never believe in god, actually sometimes yes sometimes no whenever i don't find anyone i just talk to him sometimes i scold him for all bad things happening in my life and sometimes thank him for all the lessons i have learned from those bad things until i realize i am in love, now i look back, when it all started almost 4 year ago.
Part I (Departure for Pune)Like these days it was also very hot summer then, when i was in my hometown. One after noon one of my college friend came to see me.
Door bell of my home rang, and someone shouted from outside.
Niraj: Vin are you home.
I: Coming in a second, Hi Neeraj.
Niraj: Hi Vin, Its really to hot out here, Man its really good time in Pune as its not this much hot there, its a cool place to be, I am enjoying my MBA semesters there.
I: Man how do you manage all this it must be very difficult to do MBA? By seeing my face he tried to scare and boast about MBA.
Niraj: With a very serious look he said, yes its really a very tough job, though we somehow manage our teachers its a very big city not like our town.
I: I thought great, i was the one who used to help them in their studies, I was the topper of my college and now they are doing MBA just because they have money. Thanks god thanks for everything, soon I realized that I am loosing time so I should start searching for alternatives which can give me some time so that later on I can follow my dream of founding my own company and serve the common man or at least secure a decent job for my own (I have always believed that feeding poors can never make the difference next day they will again beg, but creating jobs can always help some houses to run, this was the main reason to form my own company, rather to look for just my benefits).
Niraj: Suddenly it occurred to Neeraj's mind, Hay Vin why don't you come to Pune just to see the place and many institutes are there for teaching computer languages.
I: So what? I have already done my graduation and I know most of the stuff then what is the need to do all these courses again?.
Niraj: No Vin its not like that we had some of the room mates who were doing all these courses and now they have got placed in good companies, I thought you should opt for one of the courses like SAP, JAVA or any other actually you are very good with technical stuff, so that I am suggesting you for them.
I: Okay thats great then I thought why to go to Pune all my friends have gone to Hyderabad for completing their graduation and some of them have got good placement. I said okay thanks for advise but at that moment I knew that I will be going to Hyderabad or else I will stay here in my hometown.
Niraj: Okay Vin bye I got to go now, I will be leaving town in a day or two.
I: Okay, bye.
After seeing him off I started muttering great topper of the college with no future, well lets see I have some friends there I will talk to them in the evening. Same evening I went to my friends home.
I: Hi, Dinesh how are you?
Dinesh: He came out of his house greeting me, Hi Vin how come you are here.
I: Nothing just wanted to talk about something, I need some advise.
Dinesh: Yeah man sure anything for you.
I: Okay you were there in Hyderabad so I just wanted to know is anybody there I can go and stay with him and do some computer courses.
Dinesh: With anger aah its all crap nothing can get you job, they all are fake, one friend Adarsh(A brilliant student of our college) is there but he is also struggling for job, there's no point in going there.
I: Dishearteningly ohh man but Neeraj was saying...
Dinesh: He knows nothing.
I: Okay thanks dude for all help, but can you you give Adarsh's number just in case.
Dinesh: Sure.
I: Well at least I got to know about all these courses well before time.
Next morning as usual I was working on maths and vocabulary section just to have an edge in MBA entrance test, same time my dad arrived, he looked a little upset with something and suddenly asked everyday you are doing same thing is there any future of all this stuff, I know you are trying but now you should finalize the things. I said sure dad my friend has suggested me for some computer courses which can get me job easily. My dad shook his head listen I cannot spend more than 30 thousand on you as I need to take care of your sister and brother's fees as well my head went down and I said yes dad, I will tell you, deep down inside I knew he will surely arrange some extra buck for me if I do something good. I said I need sometime but I will let you know.
Next day I kept thinking about what should I do, whether to go for MBA which require more money and doing MBA from some XYZ college is not good as then I need to struggle so the option left was to do some course, but I was in dilemma as my friends scared me to not to get trap and loose money in some fancy institute as these are the place do have fun for new generation kids that day I could not decide. Next day Neeraj called me Vin I am going today evening just thought to call you, I said okay cool man thanks for call I will be in touch with you. He asked have you decided are you coming. I said no I am not coming bye. Soon after putting the phone down I felt like I am going to miss this opportunity plus its not mandatory to take admission, its just my friend insisting and I will also have outing. This thought occupied my mind and in the evening I packed my bag but did not tell anyone as then also I was unsure of my decision.
I was sitting on the stairs it was 5:30pm and train timing was 7:00pm, I was dressed but still thinking go or not to go, my sister Bhaiya are you going somewhere I said I am trying to(i always take advise of my sister just to have a third persons opinion) where? Pune what??? Pune and you did not tell anyone, next 15 mins. I explained my dilemma and she said go bhaiya go I said okay but still I was thinking, now it was almost 6:05pm, front gate got opened my dad came and asked the same question but I kept quit as I do not want him to say yes then after coming back from Pune say that it is not that good, still I was analyzing the consequence as any wrong decision could have proved me an idiot in front of my day and loss of trust. My sister again came out and said go Bhaiya go it was 6:10pm, my sister is like a daughter for me and if she says something it is more important as she understands me and most importantly believes in me, so I made my decision but was still skeptical just then my dad said your sister was telling that you are going to Pune have you taken any money from your mom I said no, go and take from her I said okay dad and thoughtlessly left from there asked money and left said bye to everyone by that time it was 6:00pm I thought I can never make it railway station is 9 km away, crap again I will prove myself an idiot going back to home, why did I asked for money?, well lets give it a try.
I made my brother to sit on the back seat of bike and I seated on the driving seat and drived the bike at the speed of 50km my brother said bhaiya please drive slowly, I said just trust me hold me tight and sit silently, I put my bike in top gear and accelerated it up to 60-70km my bike was like talking to the wind, I reached to the station around 6:55pm, as this was not pre-planned I had to buy a general ticket and also to find Neeraj so that I can at least sit with him. Well I said my brother to return to home, and in the line I was praying and screaming come on man make it fast my train is about to leave let me buy my ticket, I reached to the counter the train started to leave I was like oh man not now, I tried to keep myself cool and calm and said politely to the ticket issuer excuse me but I may miss my train as its already leaving the plat form. He said ok ok take it. I grabbed my tickets like an eagle and ran to catch the train, I was running like hell soon I started to swet like anything, there was so much crowd that I was not able to go near any of the coach, I kept running and the train kept speeding I felt I am going to miss my train, suddenly something from inside said to me no you cannot miss it, and I put my all effort in running and catching the train soon I managed to grab the handle of the last coach I ran with it for a second or two and with one last kick at the ground I jumped in, I was gasping but I was happy that I managed to catch the train, the coach was so over crowded that I started sweating more but still happy, I thanked to god for this.
Part II (Arrival in Pune)Next morning cool breeze woke me up, I found myself lying in that crowdy place near the toilets with some labors, they were stinking like hell. I immediately got up and rubbed my clothes off of dirt, for a while I pretended like nothing happened then I realized nobody cares so I got relaxed. In those days one hardly gets a cell phone because the call rates were so high in addition to that they used to charge the customer for both incoming and outgoing calls, anyways I finally reached to Pune, my friend was right weather was really pleasant. I went outside to find some phone booth so that I can contact him, I called and said where are you? I also changed my mind and I am here at the Pune station he said okay, just wait near exit gate I will see you there. I waited there and he appeared after a while and we went outside of the railway station to find some auto, after from outside we picked and left for Sadashiv Peth we reached there in about 30 mins. Whole city looked so busy to me, it was just 11:00am in the morning but it looked like everyone is preparing and rushing for some battle, I still think why we need so much? Anyways as I stepped into his apartment one grumbling voice appeared from the back he is your friend, how long is he going to sit, it was his another room mate, he replied just in a couple of days he replied in his grumbling voice okay but make him understand everything, I thought they are room mates or what, I got the reason why my friend was asking me again and again to come to Pune, he must be feeling alone among friends like these.
It was college time already everyone left and was alone in the flat, before going college I asked about all the institutes near by I collected this precious knowledge(gyan) from my some old friends also, I took out some pamphlets of some institutes and some print outs I took while doing MBA preparation, I collected them all and noted the address and phone number of all in one paper and set out I started with mapples institute but they refused to consider me as I was not having any engineering degree, next target I went to seed infotech but their batches were full and fee was high than some more institutes and finally after roaming a lot came back to sadashiv peth and while crossing the road of SP College I saw a tea shop where my friends were standing I went there and chatted for a while and observed some students holding JAVA and other computer books, at first I ignored them thinking they would be college students then thought lets ask may be he can suggest something as I did not had time so I wanted to wrap all things as soon as possible. I approached and asked to one guy do you go to any college? He replied no I am coming from an institute NIIT its upstairs of this building, I said okay anyways thanks dude and he left, I pulled Neeraj to one corner and said Neeraj I missed out this NIIT institute I need to check this also, I will just go upstairs and inquire he said okay, I handed over him room keys and went upstairs, I do not remember it exactly at the moment but I believe the NIIT center was at 3rd floor.
I went inside the center an elderly lady greeted me and explained about the courses then I asked some questions like what if I do not get placed, in that case will my money be refunded but she just kept trying to convince me that its not like that and after trying for a while she called her colleague and head of the center, he was much better he at least convinced me that I will be placed so now the course I just had a glance of the list and selected the cheapest JAVA course as my goal was just to be eligible to sit for the interview rest I will take care, so I enrolled for the course immediately and went back to my apartment to tell my friends that I will leave tomorrow. Next day early morning I left from Pune and came back to home I explained everything to my dad and left after 2 days and this time I made sure that my tickets are confirmed and I reach at the station well before time.
Part III (Re-Arrival in Pune)I came back to the Pune fully prepared, now my first concern was to avoid that grumbelling voice and also there was less space and it was not a good environment for study, so just after reaching the flat I started searching the room nearby and found Kala Prasad lodge, though it was a hostel they call it lodge, I met so many guys some of my friends still staying there. I thanked Neeraj for everything and geared up for the Monday.
I woke up well before time, I got dressed myself up and reached to the NIIT in time, as it was my first day everyone greeted me and I introduced myself, our JAVA teacher was Mr. Baban, right now he is in US sometimes we talk also, he is going to get married sometime this year. As I already paid a lot of attention on C++ and JAVA in my graduation so it was not really difficult for me to pick it up, my goal was fixed to get good scores to be eligible to sit so that I can sit in interview, 2nd try to learn as much as I can and complete the course in 4 months as the course duration was 6 months I targeted it for 4 month and 2 months for revision. This way I calculated everything and started working on it as I had no other option to get a job, I was prepared for the worst, so if time comes I can sell at lest credit cards or do some small marketing job, but once I am here there is no returning back with empty hands so I put all my efforts into it and started.
Almost after one week a girl appeared in our class room somewhere in the end of the June 2006 I believe it was 21st of June. First thing I noticed about her was her smile, though I usually pay attention on my goal but as she arrived in the class room, I felt like I know her. Well I paid attention back to my studies working harder every time, I turned day into night to finish the things as per my schedule, mean while I got to know her, it never occurred to me as she is a stranger, I don't know why? But I was always comfortable with her, I had many friends there, they knew most of the time I spend in library. Some of them were girls also, some tried to talk to me but I was more reluctant to talk and only wanted to concentrate only on JAVA, I used to talk only about JAVA nothing else it was her with whom I could crack jokes or just chat, I didn't know what was it, but every time I felt like I know what she has to say or wants, or what she might be thinking, we did not spend much time together but whatever time we spend, she never felt stranger to me, but I thought its not the time to get indulge in relationships and its just an infatuation nothing else. She was the only one I used to talk with friend or lover I don't know what to say but it was only her. I also didn't realize until the day I got the job.
I was leaving the Pune I didn't inform anyone formally but I wanted to talk to her one last time. I called her I said hello she said “haan bolo”, I just plainly said Nas I got a job so, today I am leaving to my home town right now I am in train. From the other end her voice got soften, I don't remember what she said but her voice got soften, that time I felt like I am leaving my life behind, I felt like jump off the train, and say I am here only. But like a so called sensible person I controlled my feelings and told to myself its nothing, just because you her and are good friends so you are feeling this way. But I kept feeling that way I could not sleep, next morning I reached to my hometown, and after preparing everything I again left for Hyderabad in same week.
Part IV (Arrival in Hyderabad)I arrived to Hyderabad morning 6:00am and directly reached to the office, there they made us to stay at the Shreya mantion, its just an apartment, after getting fresh and up there we again reached to the office, spend sometime doing nothing and went back in the evening, now started feeling like to call her, but I don't remember whether I called her that day or not , but after that day I tried to control myself and did not call her for next 1 month but every day I kept thinking about her, ultimately one day I called her thinking the wrong in that if I asked how are you? Then it became like a routine for me, sometimes I did not talked to her for 2-3 months but during that time I kept thinking how she will be? What she would be doing? I just could not keep her away for a single minute, I tried a lot but don't know why I kept talking to her.
Every time lying to myself that I don't love her, but finally after talking to god and evaluating all the consequences I came to the conclusion not to hurt myself, so I confessed to god that I love her. But I was scared that if I tell her and she gets involved and if my parents don't agree than I will hurt her or if I promise something to her then I will surely going to get that done whether anybody agrees or not. So after a lot of brain storming I decided to make my parents understand first then promise her anything.
Mean while time was passing by very fast with ever client place visit one after another bank, every time I come from implementation, I see some new faces slowly- slowly all staff changed and all those I knew left the company I also wanted to change but my pay slip, my experience and my on site visits always hindered me to leave the company every time I come back, in less than a month my managers used to send me for another client place just to keep me busy until l came from the Dubai client place visit, when I got the opportunity to spend some time here in India I started, I had this dream of founding my own company just to help the business at a reasonable cost and provide some useful solutions, because this time I stayed more than 5 months this time, I decided to start it as its now or never, I contacted my old friends for some help and they all agreed and we started working on it, but they were very enthusiast, like always I talked to Nas and tell her everything and she suggested just go with it annd things will be clear, and I did so. And with every visit to Pune I kept meeting her. For me it was more important to meet her than to work on my dream well I spend a lot of time working on this project, but ultimately it occurred that it was just a time pass for them, and they were happy with their own life and company it was I who needed all this.
I hardly replied to those mails, they looked very shallow to me no one wanted to work on the project but to boast that we are the part of something interesting, but for me it was just a way of helping people with the cheap available technology in the market, one day I decided I better let it go as one of my friend expressed that if he is calling someone they just give excuse that they are working on it. I felt like my dream is coming in their way of friendship, they better of the way they are, so I left, I did not say anything but I left, after making so many to and fro weekend journeys by bus after so many sleep less nights and after loosing my money and time, with them I learn t many lessons those lessons are the one and one document was the only outcome of my project. well I was not disappointed I said may be this not the time, I will be back with more energy and understanding.
I regretted only one thing that in those days I could have spent more time with her. And could have expressed that how much I love her. Well not everything goes as you expect them to go, I kept coming back in saturdays and sundays just to see her, many times it happened that my promise to my mom stopped me from seeing her so after a whole nights journey in train, I just spend some time here and there and after 2-3 hours went back through bus. Sometimes my friends asked how come you are back in just one day, it was something very weired to them, they asked me how you can be back in such a short time, to ignore them I used to say its nothing my friends was not there they had to go somewhere very urgently, so I came back. But every time my heart ached with pain and forced me to go and meet her at least have a glimpse of her, sometimes I could spend 5 mins sometimes 10 mins, I remember last time I came to see her she was with Nik, I had so much to say and I could have left my bus also but as he was there and she could barely attend me, I thought some other time and left I still remember while seeing off she came near my window and said bye, I wanted to get down right at that time but I controlled my emotions and said good bye to her. I was so stupid I traveled so long to talk just to talk to her and here I was nuts going just in 5 mins and out of which 3 mins I spend talking to Nik.
Well I left and like a convention I called her while leaving, I could not say much and hung up after bye. And thought now I should work more on making my parents understand. I guess I took long time to convince my parents. Though I submerged myself with work for better future and hoping that stable job and decent income will help me to make her and mine parents understand, as then they will have confidence on me. With 7000/- salary I could not talk to anyone as at the month end everything used to get exhausted but I kept my moral high and bring myself to decent some position.
And thought switch the job again I scheduled my activities so that I can squeeze out some time from my busy schedule for myself to study and switch the job. Luckily after trying 5 months I got selected in Accenture services pvt. ltd.
I always wanted to come back to Pune. I said Pune is my preffered location but they gave me Hyderabad location I said okay, but my offer letter got delayed till that time all Hyderabad locations got filled, So they offered me Banglore location but because its very costly to stay there I refuse the offer the also said that we cannot give much. After 15 days I again received a call saying that are you still interested in Accenture as we have opening for Pune, I could have been any location but finally it settled down on Pune.
Part V (Arrival in Pune again)I arrived Pune on 7th of April 2010 with great energy and hope for the future, the moment I got down I could barely hold myself as I was so excited mostly with the thought that now I can at least see her almost daily and can talk to her. .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Usually I I do not go anywhere with my novels or books, but yesterday I wanted to return that book back as that was not so interesting and I wanted half of my money back which we get while returning the book, so I bring that novel with me, but fortunately the hawker was not there at his usual place, so I just hired one auto and went to RajaRam bridge from there I took a shared auto and reached to your home, I just wanted to give news that I have got a project and wanted to take her outside for an ice cream just for some fresh air, and to relieve some of the pressure she was going through and mostly to see how is she as I know she is also going through a very tough time, well I was happy at least she looked okay I know inside she was very much worried for me, I know she always wanted to help me, though she is the same person I am hurting and pushing to the edge and she was hurting me and pushing me to the edge, and the weired thing is that both wanted to help each-other. Hahahaha... strange relation, well when I saw her laughing in between I felt relaxed, I could barely listen her as I just wanted to see her smile, now I was assured that she is okay. I thanked god time to time wen she was not there and prayed to keep her like this always smiling and laughing, we were almost done with our talks and about to leave, just then someone called her she went down stairs and came back saying, some of her friends want to come on the rooftop so we both left. I forgot to collect my Novel and it occurred to my mind just after sometime boarding the shared auto, in shared auto I saw one temple and thought does really god exist and shrugged as I don't want to start it all over again I just wanted to remember her smiling face and her talks.
After reaching Karve nagar I started looking for any hotel, as it was getting late and all shops preparing for closing. Fortunately i found one restaurant and ordered alu gobi and roti, just after ordering my meal, I received her message apologizing for see off and reminding me that I have left, my novel there. I replied to her. And got busy in eating, after sometime I received a message I thought now who is it, it was Rajiv asking when will you be coming? I replied it may take another 30 mins I am near by. And took my next bite I was about to finish just then
I received one message from some unknown number message was “Ram Hai” I got shocked I was thinking about the existence of god and now this weired message, first thing occurred to my mind it must be one of my friend who is very religious, but the number was unknown, so I called that guy back, from the other end nothing just one voice appeared RAM, RAM, RAM I initially thought its a pre-recorded message for promotion of something then I asked who is it, the guy replied in telugu, and said Hyderabad I said okay wrong number and cut the phone. But still my mind thinking why it happened to me just now when I was thinking that way may be its just a mere co-incidence.
But this time my mind refused me to believe and recalled all events in a fraction of second that
1) How even after my reluctance i came to Pune, I could have missed the train easily as I got board into the last coach or could have easily taken admission in any other institute as the NIIT was not in my list but still I enrolled there.
2) How I kept visiting you though now even Baban sir or any one did not remember you when I uttered your name in front of Rajiv for College JAVA seminar he could barely remember you, could not recognize at first.
3) How every time we met, be it for seeing you or just dropping by or just your college HOD who asked for some JAVA professionals.
4) I had so many offers to visit foreign countries(Jakarta, Kuwait and Philippines) all they needed was just my approval, I could have not come for another 1-2 year, my managers also offered to take care of mine salary-wise, I knew there will be hike this time and I am surely going to get it as I am a key resource now, I knew they can screw me, my friends tried to make me understand that you can earn a lot in short span but I refused to listen.
5) My job as I got selected for Hyderabad only but it kept canceling until it got settled for Pune location.
6) How I forgot my novel at your in your room just the same day I promised, I will not meet you anymore because you do not want. Why all your friends came that very same day just before I was leaving, how come that hawker was not there yesterday as it was saturday, generally saturday and sundays are peak time for him and I never saw him skipping even a single day.
7) Why I received that weired message, stating that god exists, just then when I was questioning his existence.
8) Why it so happened that even from so much distance we developed such understanding that I trust you blindly, and you are worried about me. I have seen theory working “Out of sight out of mind” but for me why it doesn't work when its you, you were never away form me wherever i went whether i talked to you or not.
9) Why I feel hurt when you are hurt, if anything happens to me I can manage but it hurts me most when you are hurt let the reason be anything.
10) Why it is happening that, I have never written a single paragraph of my own, but i am amazed by myself that i am writing this much, and it convays my thoughts.
May be this all is just a crap of my mind and there is no meaning of anything but sometimes I feel like some divine force is forcing me towards you every time, it shows me the path and when I am disappointed gives me hope, I really am not a religious person for me all religions and gods are same and have the same value, when I go to temple or mosque I bow my head because I see the faith of thousands of people in that stone or grave, I do not bow my head for god as I don't know if he exists, I just give respect to the faith of all those people. My friend says “Whatever happens, happens for a reason” but I never agree I rather believe in chaos theory that whatever is happening is happening at random there is no meaning of anything.
But after giving a thought now I feel like everything is preplanned.
I am confused now may be future can reveal the answer of the question “Why am I here?”.
Whatever it may be but recently I have learn t one fact that is:-
One must listen to his/her heart as heart is true you, that is the reason when you go against your heart, you go against true you and hurt yourself as the true you is the real person you are from inside, in todays fast life we wear so many faces to satisfy the outer world that we forget ourselves, but ultimately its not the gold, car or any material thing that satisfies you its your own expectation from yourselves, its what you want to be, that is the reason in long run it always pays off to follow your heart.Anyways that was the crap of the day for which i spent my whole night and half day to put it forward in a readable format, I feel like I am becoming more and more superstitious day by day, I don't know what is happening with me, may be I am thinking too much. But whatever happened yesterday indicated me that everything is happening in sequence and in some order, i really do not know which way it is heading, or its just me who is trying to find meaning in in random incidences.
Hahahaaaaaaaaa...
